i don't know how to feel right now. i look around and nothing is familiar to me. or it is, but in such an abstract way that it makes me uncomfortable. this feeling makes me yearn for my b-racks, my eight man, my bunk, and my friends.  two whole companies full of people who love and support you, people who make you laugh and cry, let you vent and then tell you everything will be ok. four months of essentially the same people, the same places, the same activites. i missed home so much when i was there but did i really know what i was missing? some friends back home, yes totally of course! they got me through three months of bct and four months of ait with letters, phone calls, stories from home and reassurements that i wasn't missing anything and it would be all good when i came home. basic was hell..thats all there is to it. i made a few friends that i'll have forever but out of a company of almost 200 people? it doesn't seem to have quite the same impact. but ait..now that was fun and totally life altering. living with the same few hundred people, same classes experiences and so many things to draw us together. granted..not to glamorize it at all. day shift: we woke up at 0400 everyday to do pt. pt from 0530-0630 personal hygiene (for some haha) til 0700 then chow and class from 0700-1630 had time for chow until 1700 when we had mail call. then released til 2100 bedcheck.. some days at least. some days we weren't released at all and we cleaned or did details until bedcheck. <-thats was my schedule for the first and last three weeks of my ait experience. the rest of the time i was on swing shift: 0700 wake up 0730 pt formation 0800-0900 pt 0900-1000 personal hygiene (haha still for some not all) and buidling maintence 1000-1100 formation for training and details 1100-1215 given time for chow 1215 formation to reassemble and do details or be released til 1500 which was mail call formation then as soon as mail call was over the buses showed up to bus us to chow til 1620 which was formation at the tree across from brant hall (the school house) then as soon as the days were formed up across the street we marched over there. 1650-2310 we had class. we were released at 10 after to clean then we had formation whenever we were done.. usually around 2330.. took roll and marched over to midnight chow and were released til our 0100 bedcheck.. wasn't too much to do during the day cept hang out or do details.. on the weekends we got released to do basically whatever we damn well pleased. usually we went to hotels and sometimes drank or went bowling or to robbie's to play pool.... yeah.. part of me just wants to go running back to georgia all helter skelter and just be on ft gordon i never thought i would say that but there are some bonds that you make with people that have just been nurtured so much to the point that its a physical pain being away from them. martin ruiz langston purcell fedder weldon belgodere collazo ho oare lirosi johnson anderson turner schad marusak finnigan and so so many more. right now i just feel like i'm in such a funk.. i think i might relax all day today and not go anywhere.. i don't anyone to catch this doom and gloom. agenda for the day.. chillin at the house relaxing.. working out (pt makes me sexy! haha it also helps calm my nerves) and talk to some people maybe. don't get me wrong, i'm very very glad to be home. its just going to take a lot of getting used to. if you want to help any.. 7245046905 thats the number just give it a ring.. i miss you all and love you very much guys... and for those of you here.. i'm so grateful to you for helping me get through.

love you, k

[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	Steelers v. Broncos game: Playoffs	]

Andy is no longer talking to me. He stopped talking to me right after Christmas and I haven't talked to him since then. Well, I called him last night. He didn't know who it was. His birthday is on Wednesday; his 21st. So there is one chapter that has a defined and clear end.

Pat totally fucked me over. He was sleeping with both me and another girl, and whoever else the two of us don't know about. I met her two days ago. She's a really nice girl and I wish I had known about her because I never would have gotten involved with him. Her name is Dina.

Due to the events posted above, and others mind you. Today has been a day of new beginnings. I got my period and started my new birth control, I decided to try the patch. And also, it was decided by me and two very good friends, that as of today, I am a born again virgin. [grins] For at least 3 months. I'm supposed to find a boy that wants to sleep with me, and say no. The three of us are compiling a list of rules that will be posted on here later.......

Off to clean my room some more. It looks like a bomb hit it. Today is the Steelers v. Broncos game. It would be awesome if we won. Later I'm going to church with Brent. He's driving.

[	mood	|	enthralled	]
[	music	|	MTV hits	]

I just made the same mistake that I used to make all the time. I clicked on something and when I came back, what I had typed was gone.

I cannot believe that I actually found this. The memories that I recorded on this site were absolutely amazing and I never would have realized all that I had lost if they had been erased. Especially Josh. I say that like he's a thing or an object. Josh is a memory unto himself. Gosh, he helped make me who I am today. He was my first true love. He was my first in so many ways. Hell, the boy took my virginity for gosh sakes. Or rather, I suppose, it was given to him and oh was it given freely. That is something that I will never regret. We're still such awesome friends. I just hung out with him the other night because he got a new car; an Acura Integra. It's a manual. I liked it. I think that I just enjoyed spending time with him driving around.

Brent and I drove around for hours last night. Now there's an odd couple for ya. Brent and I spark off each other so bad. I don't think we could love each other more though. I never know about Brent. He's so Changeable. I know I love him though, just like I know that he loves me. Even if we do spark, one of these days, the sparks are going to become a fire. Hopefully, it will be one that burns beautiful and renewing.

Fire. Passion. Heat. Flame. Andy. There are so many things that I can think and say about Andy. I don't think that he would like any of it though. I trust Andy; explicitly. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not. I do truly believe that I could tell him anything in the world and everything would be ok. The other night was amazing. Well, maybe amazing isn't the word. It was just great. Great is a good word. So, Andy text me simply, "Let's fuck." Rather than being offended, I simply responded, "Ok, Do I have time to shower?" Who does that?! Besides me of course. I saw it as the perfect opportunity to give Andy his "Christmas present". His Christmas present consisted of me, in a black lace teddy and thong followed by a massage with my new rollers and oil. He had gotten so mad at me when I told him I had gotten him a present. When he got it though, he didn't argue in the slightest. Clothes disappeared and well, you know. I don't know why, but having sex with Andy is always amazing. For me at least, I'm not so sure about him sometimes. Then I get reassurances though, like text messages telling me that I'm a workout but he liked it. Things like that make me smile. How odd is it that when Andy bragged about sleeping with me or about my chest to the guys, it made me feel better about myself? It really did though. When I was giving him a massage, I asked him if anything was bothering him, if he was sure, and if there was something, would he tell me. To which he responded, "I always do." Those words meant more to me than it ever would if he extolled my virtues and declared his undying love for me. Actually, the latter might frighten me, because I would think he had been drugged. I don't know, I'm just really odd I guess. Maybe its because I'm happy with the way things are and I don't want them to change all that soon.

Things that do need changed though consist of: the trunk needs packed with everything for the trip, my personal bag needs packed, presents need wrapped, and I need to be up before eight. Oh joyous day. How will I ever do it all?

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